Ripped from the headlines? Or some kinda frickin' joke?
Yesterday, while the Pigdump editors were trying to come up with some fresh content to break out of a week-long brain cramp, they went to a traditional medium to see what was going on in the real world. This is what they found on the newstands in Hogtown:
Americans plan to buy Canadiens
The Montreal Canadiens, one of the world's most famous sports franchises, are about to be sold to a U.S.-based group. (Good heavens! This must be fiction! There's no way this will happen in my lifetime. I mean, that's like saying a group from Russia is going to buy the Yankees. I think someone at the Globe must have forgotten their medication this morning. We can't report this nonsense...) |
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Chiquita considers Chapter 11 bankruptcy
The Cincinnati-based company is the biggest U.S. banana producer. It has cut its work force and stopped paying dividends because of its financial problems. The company has cited the worldwide glut of bananas for all its financial troubles. (A glut? A worldwide glut? Of bananas? Then why the frick do I pay ¢79 a pound? Shameful!) |
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Birth mother wants Internet twins back
Kimberley and Belinda were sold twice over the Internet, once to a U.S. couple and a second time to a British couple, who now have them hidden in northern England. (This can't be real. I mean, wasn't there a Pigdump way back, way way back where we kinda made fun of e-Baby? I think it went kinda like this...) |
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On a roll: Kimberly-Clark aims for breakthrough in toilet paper
Seeking to wipe out potty discomfort, Kimberly-Clark Corp. is plunging into the market with a new product, moistened toilet paper on a roll. The company surveyed 2,000 consumers and found that 63 per cent of them occasionally used something wet after going to the toilet. About a quarter did it daily.
"Using a moist product cleans and freshens better than dry toilet paper alone,"said Peggy Nabbefeldt, a Kimberly-Clark marketing director. "They have to realize this should be a normal part of a universal task." (Bring on the locusts.) |
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Needless to say, the editorial team made a unanimous decision to stay away from the real world. "There will be no hard news on Pigdump, ever!" said one well-placed official. "We will not lower our standards for hits, for eyeballs, for cash. Pigdump's integrity will never be tarnished by fact!" And you can quote me on that.
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