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Laundrmat Rage

"On a pleasant Friday morning with a
sackload of soiled skivvies, one of
Pigdump's operatives made her way to
one of the local suds."
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March 14, 2003

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EI-EI-OY!
It's been a long time since Pigdump's cub reporter, Chris Norton, went out in the field to dig up the dirt, find the scoop, break a story on some pressing socio-political issue that affects humanity as a whole. We decided to send young Chris into a dangerous place this time around. With the markets in flux, the unsteady economy and the world teetering on the brink of war (if you allow us to be cliché), Chris Norton headed off to the Unemployment Office to see what citizens must face in their time of grave need. here's the report:
ei hell
"First things first: Pigdump has not laid me off, they just mocked up a release form so that I could do my digging. Heh heh. They'd never lay me off, that's for sure!

Anyway, let me get another thing straight: it is no longer called Unemployment Insurance, it's now Employment Insurance. Go figure, eh?

I got up bright and early and headed off to the Dufferin Mall, a place that's worth another story let me tell you! In the depths of this faceless, concrete monument to capitalism lies the ugliest, most depressing beige-on-beige government office I've ever seen. And even though I was early, there were already line ups galore. Which was my first challenge. Which line up was for me?

Luckily, my keen reporter's eye spotted a sign way around the corner saying "If you're applying for benefits, go straight to the computers." So I sat down in front of one of the terminals and got to work. That's when the trouble began.

I spent 35 minutes hunting and pecking through a most unusable application. I was asked the same questions time and time again. Was I employed now? Was I self-employed? If I answered yes to one I got a whole new application that had me repeat most of the questions. Finally, when the little print-out spewed forth telling me to sit and wait for my name to be called, I felt relief. The hard stuff was over.

Not so fast. A woman came out from behind some big beige wall and said "Don't use the computers, they're not working. They're not sending the information up front. Didn't you hear me say that earlier?" UGH! She handed me a paper version of the application and I started again.

I walked it over to the woman and told her "This is ridiculous. How long am I going to have to wait now?" Not long, I was assured. And true enough, she called me right away. Which was when the trouble continued.

I told her I was laid off 6 months ago but like a keen Canadian, took a contract and didn't bother applying for EI at the time. "Why did you wait 6 months?" I explained again. "So you're self-employed? That's another form." I told her no, not really. "If you're being paid by someone, wait until they send you the release." Well, no, it's...uh let's just say they aren't deducting EI and CPP. "Well you're self-employed then and you probably won't qualify."

With that, she shoved more forms my way and told me to wait until my contract was over and then apply on line. That's really what she said. But I'd have to come back and hand her back certain sheets...though I was unlikely to qualify for benefits.

Pigdump friends, this was an ordeal. The computers weren't working so I went paper-based only to be told to go home and do it again on the computer...and that it might not go through. My advice to you is NEVER be unemployed so you don't have to go through this. And if you find yourself unemployed, best to go into the EI office with a loaded mickey of whisky or something. because it sucks! It sucks ass! It's fricken' red tape hell! Why the heck are we paying taxes? They call this service? The insurance you SHOULD be applying for is damage insurance on your house or apartment for when you go home and start punching the walls out. Crikey, make a miserable person's life more miserable will you...?"

Once again, we have had our cub reporter committed to an anger-management program. We'll alert you when Chris is sprung from the joint so you can take precautions. Thanks and good luck.

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