The patent office is swamped with all those brilliant ideas that end up advertised on late-night tv. You know, the Flowbie, the Thigh Master, and various velcro thingies that are supposed to put an end to pet hair on clothes and furniture.

I know we're all alike. We all say "why didn't I think of that?" when we read about the most recent millionaire who came up with "the next big thing," like The Mood Ring, Trivial Pursuit, and those neon-coloured sponge-like floaty noodle things that fill our lakes and pools with hours of fun. But we didn't, darnit.

Don't despair. There are several sure-fire BIG THINGS still waiting to be invented. I have it on good authority that if you come into the patent office with any or all of the following, you will instantly be in the big cash:

• Non-drip dispensers of hot water for tea
• Cure for the common cold
• Racoon-safe trash cans
• Delicious ice cream that demolishes fat cells
• Molecular transporter (you know, like in Star Trek)
• Laundrey sock trap

25. You can substitute vodka for gin and still have a Martini or a Gibson.

26. Martinis and Gibsons can be shaken or stirred.