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June 18, 2002
Damn lies.
Three ways to stop people from buying your product

First of all, you get a pretty cool product that tastes good and is good for you. It's fruity or nutty or chocolatey all in one yet it doesn't make you fat. And no, don't use Olestra, the anal-leakage substance (though surely that would stop people from using your product if that's really what you're after.) No, get a really annoying guy (not shown at right) to sell your product. Give him poo-coloured eyes, a lisp and a really annoying whine and mark my words, no one will buy your tasty candy bar. body smarty pants

Or here's another thing you can do: get a guy who used to be fat and have him sell your sandwiches. If the viewers start getting sick to death of seeing this dull yet affable guy's enormous pants, change your tactic. Have another guy talking to his friends about the sandwich while the guy who used to be fat eavesdrops on the conversation. Have the former fat dude interrupt every sentence with "and just 6 grams of fat." If you want people to buy the sandwich, have the thin guy beat the crap out of the former fat guy. If you want them to go away, let the former fat guy get the last word. former fat guy

And here comes the killer; you've got a product and a brand that is stamped on the psyche, bred into the DNA of every Canadian. That's a lot of consumers, friend! You've got real people with real stories eating your fabulous double chocolate donuts and draining your pots of coffee. And this when the evil Krispy Kreme franchise is making a move on your territory. So what do you do? Make a bold statement? Give out freebies? Make your donuts bigger and better for the same price? No, you get 2 wanky-ass homespun yokels who would even embarrass the Waltons and have them fawn over some frickin' strawberry delight! For goodness sake, bring on the Krispy Kremes!!! where's the chocolate?
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