yes, it says
Snake oil. Wednesday January 12, 2000

I've been watching a lot of television these days. After all, it's greyish, cold and dark outside. I think winter TV viewing may be the way modern mammals hibernate. Maybe. In my case it's more likely due to the fact that I have been getting free cable for a year and a half. And there's nothing like watching free pay TV in this media-merger-happy world! (anyone else feel that I may have just jinxed myself?)

I spend a lot of time on the All Law and Order Network. Lately, they have been showing several disturbing ads that keep me up at night in terror. They're kind of medical, and kind of homeopathic. They're sort of pills without prescription and sort of wonder drug. They all have the same message:

If you have trouble with cholesterol/losing weight /sleeping at night /hair loss, we have a safe, new solution for you!

Then they proceed to tell us that a little pill will bring blood pressure down, or make fat cells fall off your body, or make your hair grow where it doesn't, or make your hair stop growing in the places it shouldn't. A miracle really. But that's the first 15 seconds of the ad. The next 45 seconds go like this:

Do not use if you have high blood pressure, or if you are planning on having children, or if you're on other medication, or if you drive for a living... blah blah blah... side effects may occur, like dry mouth, anal leakage, increased anxiety, sweaty palms, cramps and diarrhea, swelling of the nasal cavities, stinky pits... blah blah blah...

This can't be good! Do people really buy these non-certified drugs? Can these wonder pills be legal? It takes me exactly 5 seconds to decide not to buy in to this crap -- hmmm, would I like to lose weight the easy way? Yes. Do I want to lose control of my sphincter muscle thus causing random anal leakage? No thank you.

I'm just waiting for the wonder pill of the new millennium that cures all the side effects caused by this snake oil but makes you fat and hairless like you were before. And I'm really sorry I said anal leakage 3 times.

The end.

Tomorrow: Rice and peas.

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everything I know ... continued 85. A ton of feathers weighs as much as a ton of bricks.

86. A Harpy is a monster with a woman's face and a bird's wings and claws.
to be continued...

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