Welcome to Pigdump!
August 12, 2002
The washer in the woods.
Evil under the Muskoka sun

washer in the woodsPigdump's crack strategic team just got back from a 2-week blue-sky getaway in glorious cottage country. While the team's prime directive was to relax, clear the cobwebs, think outside the shanty, some members came back in need of deep massage, deep therapy and a nap.

What ho? Things not so perfect in cottage heaven? Well, let's just say there are some scary things living amongst us in the bucolic Muskoka woods, things that could give you a lifetime of nightmares.

No, I don't mean the bears that have been visiting our garbage pails in broad daylight. And I'm not talking about the dreaded West Nile Virus or the Trout Lake Itch either. Nope, the crack team came upon something worse, something beyond demonic, beyond psychotic. Laundromat Rage.

On a pleasant Friday morning with a sackload of soiled skivvies, one of Pigdump's operatives made her way to one of the local suds. A roll of quarters and a couple of mini boxes of Tide™ at the ready, she entered the laundromat. Spotting 2 empty washers, she started removing the unmentionables from her bag. Just then, a middle-aged woman came roaring in through the screen door. Her Tilley hat akimbo and her Chanel spray working overtime, she screamed "Those are MY machines, didn't you see my quarters? I was just getting more detergent. Get out of my way!" Our little friend was bowled over and her dirty linen was hung out for all to see. The titters from those Rosedale dollies haunt her still.

Believe me, this wasn't a one-off either. Another day, another operative, another laundromat. This time our hero lucked out and scored a couple of washers. The danger was in the dryers. Though she lucked out and filled the last empty dryer with her wash, she witnessed another case of Laundromat Rage. A local gal with her child in tow was waiting patiently for a dryer. There were 4 machines full of clothes that had finished their cycles. She opened one dryer and felt that the clothes were still wet. Out of the goodness of her heart, she added a couple of quarters and restarted the machine. She emptied two of the other machines, folding the sheets as best she could and put her own clothes in them.

Minutes passed. Probably about 15 of them. An A-type woman strode in with her Espadrilles a-squeaking. She looked at the clothes and sheets in a pile on the table and huffed. The woman with the child said "oh, I tried to fold them better for you, I didn't want your sheets to wrinkle." The woman sniffed again. "These are still damp! S__t!" The local gal looked embarrassed. "Well, I added some quarters to this load for you..." Another sniff. "You added some quarters for THAT machine, yet you took THESE ones out...I wasn't gone long you know. S__t!"

Is there a moral to this? A defence against Muskoka Laundromat Rage? Nope, we don't think so. These privileged hags who think the sun shines out their ass just because they live in Forest Hill or Rosedale or upper New York State for that matter are never going away. And I guess they don't always travel with the hired help. So our best Pigdump advice is this: bring 20 pairs of panties when you travel to cottage country (heh heh, I just said panties!) At the very least.

Thanks and good luck.
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