You might think I'm just loafing around up here -- skating on my rink, hanging out with the locals at the Legion Hall.

Well you wouldn't be too far wrong. But up here in Pigdump North, we also stay abreast of current events, keeping up with the bleeding edge of the news and views that make an impact on our simple lives.

Sure, I know what's going on, the important things:

• Michael Jackson is in the courtroom trying to convince people he didn't play with a kid's balls


• Jean Chrétien is also in the courtroom showing off his balls... political balls, really, from the likes of Bubba, Dole and Dubya


• We don't care about the NHL up here either


• There is controversy over the use of firewood and how it may be in part responsible for the February smog.

Okay, it's the last one that really boils my brain, burns my britches, gets a bee in my bonnet. There are hundreds of thousands of stinking SUVs in North America, Hummers galore among 'em, and they want to blame toxic wood smoke for the disaster that is our environment???!!! Please!

Okay, maybe I obsess too much about wood, I'm constantly thinking about starting the next fire to stay warm, should I get another bush cord, should I keep it going all night long... But to put this on me and my kind...well, just don't even think about it.

Oooo I'm steamed!

Thanks and good luck.