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"There, hidden by leaves,
was a big fat raccoon,
lying in front of your car."

January 18, 2004

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And now, another unsolicited piece of Top Quality Content™ from that strange Eastern European fella, Leopold Bratislav:

McDonald Tartan

Dear Pigdump Readers,

I am a consumer. I don't apologize for this, but it can leave me vulnerable to marketers (insert mysterious horse whinny here).

In some cases, I don't mind. It can be a trip watching TV for an evening and then drift off to never-never-land, dreaming of driving my Volvo V70R up the Sea to Sky highway for a day of skiing at Whistler, dressed in the best ski clothing that MasterCard's money can buy, my best girl by my side. However, when an evil consumer marketing organization (think of a quick list here to get your ire up) attempts to capture my subconscious thought processes, well, I start to direct my mental energies towards how to re-capture my id.

My nomination for the worst of the bunch: McDonalds

The current McMarketing involves a sequence of 5 musical notes, followed by the epithet (I LOVE that word) "I'm lovin' it." McStealyoursoul wants to induce a Pavlovian response to this sequence. When you hear the 5 notes and phrase (5NaP), you jump into your SUV and hie thee to the closest McTransfat drive through and gorge on a piece of dead animal while "lovin' it."

McHaiku will help you disrupt that response (and probably improve your love life!)

The McHaiku is simple and technically not a haiku, but I felt it important that this endeavour have a snappy and memorable moniker.

Whenever you hear the McSatan 5NaP, simply apply your own 5 words (or syllables) to the 5 notes. With this one simple step, you've re-focused your mind on what you truly love or want and broken the bond that McSize18 is trying to create between you and clogged arteries.

Try it. Listen to me and insert your own words:

"Hum hum hum hum hum, I'm lovin' it."

Not wanting to embarrass you, but my 5 words involved sexual activity. I tell you this so that you know you have the freedom to create a mental focus (and Pavlovian response if you wish) on virtually anything you want. Better focus on a project at work, the most important 5 steps in successful parachuting, etc. There are no limits to your imagination and the world is your oyster!

Some samples:
"Live in Richmond Hill, I'm lovin' it"
"New car in July, I'm lovin' it"
"Seven crates of vinyl, I'm lovin' it"

Ancillary Thoughts:
There is a thought management philosophy/science called Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) that revolves around tightly focusing your mental energies on your "desired outcome" and your personal 5NaP can be another tool for this.

A variation on this (and potentially the original inspiration for Leopold's 5NaP) is that old routine of reading the message in your fortune cookie to everybody at the table and appending the phrase "in bed." It completely changes the nature of the message! I generally get a kick out of it, since it shifts everything towards sexual activity, but you probably figured that out...

So, I leave you with "Hum hum hum hum hum, I'm lovin' it".

Leopold (thinking of "other" activities...) Bratislav


Please don't sue us.

Thanks and good luck.

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